


Can't Nobody Hold Us Down

by BlueSkyeEyes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, F/M, Facebook, Frenemies to friends to lovers, House Fires, KIK, M/M, Marauders era, Maruaders AU, Sirius lives with his family, Skipping School, Skype, Tumblr, Tumblr fame Au, harmless internet stalking, so much social media use, social media use, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-17
Packaged: 2018-03-26 14:31:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3854224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueSkyeEyes/pseuds/BlueSkyeEyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Remus and Lily are moderately tumblr-famous, Sirius is looking for a way out of his life of hell by chatting up random guys on the internet, and Peter just wants them all to stop pining already.</p><p>Or the Maruaders AU where Lily's attempt to get Remus to online date backfires spectacularly and leaves him with an annoying internet pen-pal who just wont go away, James gives better advice than he realizes, particularly in the romantic department, and nothing seems to go right. Like, ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I started reading text-fics a couple of weeks ago, and was surprised by how much I like them. That being said, because of how much I liked the ones I read, you will probably find parts of this story that seem like parts of those (i.e. Text Talk, Aesthetic: Trash Boys, and Because). That is entirely unintentional, and I hope I don't offend anyone!  
> That being said, let's get on with it:)

_Remus_

**_Lily_ **

**Sirius**

* * *

 

[Text sent from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin at 4:30]

_**Have you checked the account yet???** _

_It’s been fifteen minutes since you posted the pic, I highly doubt anything important could have happened…_

_**It’s not about that, it’s about the dating site! It spit out a match today!** _

_:/_

**_Don’t give me that. you agreed to go out with one person I chose from the dating site every month, you only got away clean by messing with the notification settings so I wouldn’t see any matches._ **

_No matter how many times you bring that up, I am not going to apologize for it._

_**Remus I stg I will personally have you de-balled if you don’t at least message this person.** _

_**Oooh, they have a link to their tumblr, why don’t you message them there, might make you feel more comfortable…** _

_**I could even write the message for you, if you’d prefer.** _

_**Remus if you decided to ignore me right after I told you the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS I’VE GOTTEN ALL DAY I WILL PERSONALLY SEND THIS CHURRO TO THE LAND DOWN UNDER** _

_alright, alright, I’m sorry_

_for the record I was taking a piss, so you can stop it with the threats._

_**Why do you feel the need to practically live-blog me your entire routine? Never mind, just, check your messages, okay? I sent you his url** _

_HIS? Lily, we’ve been over this how many times?_

_**Just trust me on this one, okay? He’s s00per cute…** _

_I can’t believe you expect me to trust you after what you did to frank last week_

_**I told you, that was an accident. Now go mssg him!!!! NOW!!!** _

 

[Fanmail sent from overthemoonyforyou to whysosirius by a very anxious Remus Lupin at 5:15]

_Hey, so I was going to comment on the pic you have of your family’s abstract art collection, but then I saw your selfie face and I couldn’t resist messaging you some scathing remarks._

**Your not that friend of james’s are you? Cause, if I’m being honest, I don’t think I can handle another three-hour-long conversation about art and its influence on modern society.**

_…I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not…_

**I’m actually always sirius, believe it or not. But more to the point, are you or aren’t you james’s friend?**

_Seeing as I don’t know anyone named James, I’m going to go with no, I’m not his friend._

**oh**

**are you hot?**

_That’s your first question? Am I hot?_

**Does that mean your ugly then?**

**You probably are.**

**I bet you sit around reading all day in some boring boarding school or something**

[Text sent from a very irate Remus Lupin to Lily Evans at 5:20]

_Dear god help me I think I’ve made a mistake_

_**What could you have possibly done now?** _

_SO I sent a message to that url you sent me_

_**and? and? Is he nice? Are you going to go out with him?** _

_umm, no. I’m really considering never messaging anyone you want me ever again._

_Hang on, I’m gonna send a screen-shot._

_Did you get it?_

_**It’s really not that bad. I think he’s got you quite pegged, actually.** _

_LILY the point is he insulted me. Can’t you pretend to be on my side just this once???_

_**Umm, no.** _

 

[Fanmail sent from overthemoonyforyou to whysosirius at 5:23 ]

_I’m not going to answer that. I’m pretty sure no self-respecting Brit ever would._

**You don’t have to, I can use my imagination.**

**I’m betting really short and fat**

**with bright orange hair**

**and bad spots.**

**How long are you going to let me go on before you cave and send me a selfie to prove me wrong?**

_Try never._

**Aww I can practically hear your frustration through the phone. reminds me of this puppy I had once that never listened, but always got really confused about why he was getting in trouble**

_Why are you still talking to me? I stopped caring what you were saying ages ago_

**Fine, I guess I wont talk you anymore.**

_good_

 

[Text from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin at 8:30 am]

_**Remus** _

_**Remus** _

_**remus remus remus** _

_What? It’s too bloody early for this shit lily, just tell me whats up_

_**Guess who got 15,000 notes on her latest post?** _

_I’m guessing you since no one on my side of the phone answers to female pronouns._

_**Hardy har** _

_**But seriously** _

_**It happened and it’s beautiful** _

_**Did you fall asleep again??** _

 

[Text from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin at 9:45]

**_I’m going to hope that you’re asleep right now, not ignoring me, for the sake of your soul_ **

_I was asleep, okay??_

_chill_

_**awful fast response for someone who was asleep…** _

_Shut up, you._

_What was so fucking important you had to wake me at six in the morning?_

_**Remus, it was eight thirty…** _

_**whatever, I forgive you.** _

_**So the notes thing** _

_**the post may have you in it** _

_Again?_

_**Yes, again. The people love you, okay.** _

_**They love us together.** _

_Oh Lily. I don’t like where this is going…what kind of together?_

_**….together together** _

_Really. And why would they want that?_

_**I’m hot, you're hot, together we’re an inferno of sexiness. You know, the usual stuff** _

_Can you at least tell me you discouraged this?_

_**Are you asking me to lie, Remus?** _

_God fucking damnit why do you do these things to me? I get like, two days a month to sleep in, and you chose one of them to wake me up early and tell me things you know I don’t want to hear_

_**Remus, come on. All I’m asking is that you be my tumblr boyfriend for a while** _

_**Then when the time is right I’ll post some break-up song lyrics and some depressed quotes to get everyone curious, and then I’ll write a post out with the entire story of our torrid romance that ended in heartbreak. I reach my goal of another 250 followers, and you get out of this relationship the easy way. Win-win.** _

_How can you consider anything about this a win/win situation? More like win/remus lupin gets completely and royally screwed._

_**Oh, don’t be such a drama queen. I swear it’ll be fine, fun, and easy** _

_….._

_….._

_….._

_…._

_:/_

_**You stop that now!** _

_…._

_……_

_…._

_:(_

_**Stop it!** _

_….._

_…._

_…._

_> < _

**_I stg lupin u @ss_ **

_Okay fine I’ll do it_

_But you have to promise that every time you bother/wake me before ten for the next two years you owe me a chocolate bar._

_**….. Fine.** _

 

[Kik from Sirius Black to R. Lupus at 12:00]

**heeeeyyy**

_what._

**Well, my friend James may have explained that some of the things I said to you on tumblr the other day may have been sort of rude…**

_Is this an apology?_

**Maybe**

**It could also be a thinly veiled attempt to get a selfie out of you**

_I’m going to pretend it’s an apology because it’s the better (and less creepy) of the two options_

_Speaking of which, how did you find me here?_

**I noticed you’d blocked me on tumblr, so I poked around a little and found you on a bunch of other sites**

**Figured I’d message you there till you accepted my apology**

_Fine, well, apology accepted._

**Cooool, I guess I’ll leave you alone then**

_I guess I’ll unblockyou_

 

[Skype message from Padfoot to chocolate.luvr.5 at 3:50]

**So your kind of cute**

_I’m sorry, who is this?_

**Oh, sorry, it’s me**

**I mean whysosirius from tumblr**

_Are you internet stalking me?_

**…maybe a little**

_May I ask why?_

**Knock yourself out, but don’t expect an answer**

_Didn’t you promise to leave me alone?_

**I have bad short-term memory, you can’t expect me to remember promising that**

_Right, of course you couldn’t be expected to do something like remembering a promise you made three hours ago_

**Of course not**

**So anyway**

**Your cute**

_Please go away_

**Aww you don’t mean that**

_No, I really, really do. Please leave me alone now_

**Only if you promise to send me a selfie tomorrow**

_Why_

_You said you’d seen me_

_Why would you want to see more?_

**Maybe I liked what I saw….**

**Plus you only have like, six posts on your account, and at least three of them were book quotes**

**I just want to make sure you actually have a personality**

_Haha okay whatever_

**Is that a yes?**

_Okay fine yes_

_Will you leave me be now?_

**Fine**

**But I want a promise that your sparkling personality won’t go anywhere while I’m gone**

_I’ll try, but I may forget by tomorrow._

**Wow, good one, so mature**

_Goodbye “padfoot”_

 

[Text from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin at 4:00]

_**Where is it?** _

_**Wut did you do with it?** _

_Do what with what?_

_Did you go off your meds again?_

_**haha, Lupin, good one.** _

_**I’m serious tho** _

_**The messages you sent whysosirius** _

_**Where did they go?** _

_uhh, Lily? Did you ever consider the possibility that I might have used my personal account to message him….?_

_**Oh** _

_**I didn’t** _

_**I just figured that, since I’m your best friend, you wouldn’t have thought you had to hide that from me…** _

_Lily, as much as I love you, do you really think I want to go messaging a guy on an account called EvaLupinKisses with you kissing my cheek as the icon?_

_**I’m pouting rn** _

_**In case you can’t tell** _

_Fine, the next time I decide to sext a hot guy, I’ll make sure to do it on the group account, okaay?_

**I guess I can live with that**

_I’m rolling my eyes rn_

_In case you can’t tell_

**Boo you, whore**

_G’bye Lily_

 

[Fanmail sent from overthemoonyforyou to whysosirius at 4:00 am]

_I wasn’t sure where to send you the selfie_

_It’s like, s00per l8 don’t judge_

_So I made the educated decision to send it to all the accounts I know you on…._

_It retrospect I regret that decision_

_I might just stop sending talking now and wait for you to wake up and be appalled._

 

[Skype message sent from chocolate.luvr.5 to Padfoot at 4:37 am]

_Are you awake and appalled yet?_

_Are you?_

 

[Kik from R. Lupus to Sirius Black at 7:00 am]

_I’m thinking more rationally now and I want to apologize._

_Can you message me back pls_

 

[Kik from R. Lupus to Sirius Black three days later]

_Okay, I’m gonna take that as a hint and stop messaging you_

_Blink once if you’d like that_

_yeah, I guess that's a go away._

_okay, bye._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus gets a reply from Sirius, and pop tarts become weapons of mass destruction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is short, but I hope it keeps things interesting for you all:)
> 
> All mistakes are mine that I was too lazy to fix. I mean they are supposed to be there. For the story.

_Remus_

**_Lily_ **

**Sirius**

James

* * *

 

 [Skype message sent from Padfoot to chocolate.luvr.5 at 5:00 am]

**Oh shit mate I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t trying to ignore you okay?**

_okay_

_so what were you doing then?_

**being an ass**

**not on purpose, I got my phone taken away by my parents**

**I really would have messaged you back, I swear**

_I believe you_

**Good**

**So selfies**

_Yes? What about them_

**I expected something more…..dignified**

_I’ll have you know I felt extremely dignified taking those photos._

**You look like your hanging upside down off the back of a couch**

_Love seat._

**touché.**

**Am I allowed to ask why?**

**Wait, will you answer if I ask?**

_no and no_

**why?**

_*shrug* spiderman angle is my best angle_

**You think your best angle is the one taken straight from one of the worst kiss scenes in movie history?**

_I’m sorry, how is upsidedown kissing in the rain after saving her life a bad kiss scene?_

_Wait wait wait_

_You aren’t a Garfield guy are you?_

**So what if I am?**

_Oh lord_

_I don’t think I can talk to you anymore! i boycotted the amazing spiderman movie for a year because of Garfield. Toby Maguire is the only way to go._

**But you qatched it eventually so you have to agree that story-wise it was 10x better, the cinematography was 100x better and andrews acting made toby look like a toddler playing dressup for Halloween**

_I don’t_ have _to do anything. except stop talking to you. We clearly can’t be friends anymore_

**Agreed. You take the cat and leave my sweaters?**

_Now we’re quoting SONG LYRICS???_

_Bitch please_

**bitch please?**

_oh, sorry. That’s my friend Lily’s trademark.it would seem ive’ started adopting her (questionable) language choices_

**I think it’s fucking hilarious**

**she must talk like a valley girl**

_surprisingly no. more boho hipster with a twist of modern street grunge_

**?????**

_Sadly tht was a direct quotefrom her. no clue what it means_

**Just another mystery**

**ahh I gotta go now**

**apparently pretending to be in the shower doesnt work if you forget to turn the water on**

**catch u on the flip side**

_oookay_

_bye then_

[Text sent from Remus Lupin to Lily Evans at 5:50 am]

_I hope your awake_

_Like, awake enough to text me back about something incredibly important_

_pleeeeeease_

[Text sent from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin at 8:00 am]

**_i’m texting you back at a reasonable hour like a normal human being._ **

**_What the fuck do you want_ **

_he doesn’t’ like toby_

**_sorry, what now?_ **

_He likes Andrew Garfield better!!!!!:(((((((_

**_Oh_ **

**_Is this seriously about spiderman??_ **

**_You finally got a mssg bak and all you can say is HE LIKES ANDREW GARFIELD BETTER?_ **

**_WHO EVEN CARES( >><<)_ **

_clearly not u_

_but u should_

_its fuckign importnant_

**_are you doing that thing where you make a big deal out of something random so you don’t have to think about whats really freaking you out?_ **

_….no_

_…..maybe_

_…..shut up_

**_Whatever you kno u love me_ **

**_so whats the thing?_ **

**_Its obviously a big deal_ **

_not really. He just ignored me for threee days and thenthen texts back “oh shit mate I’m so fucking sorry I wasn’t trying to ignore you okay”_

_WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT TO MEAN????_

**_more context pls_ **

_then he said he was in trouble and his phone got taken away._

_Also that he was hiding in the shower_

**_HE WAS TEXTING YOU IN THE SHOWER AND YOU DIDN’T THINK THIS WAS IMPORTANT TO TELL ME BEFORE_ **

_um, it wasn’t_

_he was hiding there FULLY DRESSED so he could talk to me without his parents noticing_

_evidently they did bc he had to leave again_

**_oh_ **

**_well whatever_ **

**_he still thought about you in the shower_ **

_can we not??_

_Pls?_

**_Okay fine._ **

**_When are you coming over?_ **

_soon. Mum just laid down for a nap, should be able to head over in a few_

**_great! We need to talk strategy for this “vacation in Prague” photoshoot thing_ **

_can  you even find prague on a map?_

**_Just hurry over, assbutt_ **

[Text sent from James Potter to Sirius Black at 4:15 pm]

Why didn’t you wait for me?

I specifically told you to wait for me after school

**i decided to quit school and travel the world playing tambourine in a band of gospel gypsies.**

Come on mate, it’s fucking pouring out here

Just swing back around and pick me up

It’ll take twenty minutes tops

I KNOW YOU AREN’T IN THIS MUCH OF HURRY TO GTE BACK HOME SO WHATS UP WITH YOU

**I’m busy**

You have no friends

**I have homework to do?**

we made a pact in year three that neither of us would ever do any

**MAYBE I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW OKAY**

How bad is it

**…**

**bad**

well I still don’t’ want to fucking walk home in the rain

come get me and you can crash at my place for the night

**or forever?**

Or forever.

 

[Facebook message sent to Remus Lupin from Sirius Black at 6:00 pm]

**I’m booored**

**entertain me**

_what will you do if my answer is no?_

**cry myself to sleep like a man**

**should I count it as a win that you aren’t even questioning me finding you random places?**

_Or you could count it as a sign that you should get psychological help_

_Either works_

**i take it back**

**don’t try to entertain me**

**your mean**

_you’re not much better yourself_

**T-T**

**you wound me**

**also james says hi**

_the friend with the art friend?_

**Basically, yeah**

**He’s been bugging me to say hi for three minutes. I think he thinks I’m talking to someone he knows**

_uh huh_

**are you silent;y judging me?**

**You are arent’ you!**

_Who, me? no never_

**you may honestly be the most judgmental person I have ever met**

**and I sat next to someone for twenty minutes today just criticizing their taste in lunch meat**

_was it corned beef?_

**aioli bologna**

_*gag*_

_they clearly needed to be chastised._

**Obviously**

**I’ll talk to you later, gotta save my battery**

_You don’t own a charger?_

**i left it at home**

_oh_

_talk to you later, then._

[Text sent from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin:]

**_I said to wear nice clothes. you actually wore them, right?_ **

_Of course I did_

_wait nice how? Church nice or funeral nice_

_wait or winter ball nice_

**_nice like clean, pressed, matching, cute, new-looking clothes_ **

_do corduroy pants and converse  count?_

**_*sigh*_ **

**_Shirt?_ **

_obviously wearing a shirt_

**_NO,_ what _shirt are you wearing?!_**

_The grey one with the v-neck_

**_oh that ones nice_ **

**_hurry up and get here sson_ **

**_I need you…._ **

**_…to zip me up_ **

_I’ll get there when I get there. calm your tits_

**_Okay on a Sirius note_ **

**_Do you like him?_ **

**_You certainly mssg him a lot_ **

_LILY_

_We are not talking about this right now!_

_Or ever_

**_I’m pouting again_ **

_i still don’t’ care_

**_why don’t you want to talk to me about this?_ **

_maybe because you ruin everything good in my life?_

**_Is this because of the gay thing?_ **

_what else would it be about?_

_Look, I don’t really want to talk about this_

_can we just do the shoot and then go get takeaway?_

**_Yeah, no problem._ **

**_love you, bitch_ **

_not your bitch_

[Text sent from James Potter to Sirius Black at 5:30 am]

I forgot to ask: pop tarts or eggo waffles?

**I’m right upstairs, mate, walk ten steps and ask me to my face**

**Also pop tarts. duh.**

Just checking

How s the wrapping going?

**slowly**

**would be easier if you’d come help**

come on mate, I always help

lemme sit this one out to make breakfast

I might accidentally see something I don’t want to

**Send pete up when he gets here**

**He owes me**

We all owe you

doesn’t mean I’m helping

**fuck you pretty boy**

I resemble that comment!

 

[Text sent from James Potter to Sirius Black at 5:45 am]

The pop tarts are burning

like, full on on-fire burning

**did you put them in the oven again??**

Maybe

**Well theres your problem**

Get mum

please get mum

the kitchen is so smoky

**shit, we’ll be right down**

[Facebook message sent from Sirius Black to Remus Lupin at 6:30 am]

**so james’s house is on fire**

_WHAT THE FUCK???_

**Not a big deal, just some flames and lost of smoke**

_HOW IS THST NOT  A BIG DEAL_

_ARE YOU AT THE HOSPITAL?_

**naw, I’m at the police station**

….

you got arrested

because… you set the fire?

**NO**

**James set it. with poptarts**

**It was an accident, okay?**

**But apparently with my record….I needed to be questioned thoroughly**

**at least I get out of school**

_why am I not seeing that as a brightside?_

**Maybe because you have a stick up your ass?**

_I can’t believe you set a pop tart fire._

_Did I hear something about a record?_

**oh**

**yeah, I have a bit of a record**

**cause I was a dumb kid**

**still am I guess**

_I’ve never even stolen paperclips from work before, I should probably stay aware from your bad-boy influences._

_*away_

**I humbly accept the title of king of the troublemakers, and will forever stay at least twenty feet away from you in hopes my mischievous behavior wont rub off.**

_I’m shaking my head at you I’m so unimpressed_

**Hang on, I see an officer coming**

**He has handcuffs**

_WHAT_

_Sirius??_

_This is not a good place to end a conversation oh my god_

_Your doing this on purpose to scare me, aren’t you?_

_Fine. I’m not talking to you, then._

[Text sent from Remus Lupin to Lily Evans at 6:45 am]

_He’s in handcuffs_

**_CALL ME NOW_ **

 

[Call to Lily Evans at 6:47 am]

_“Just to clarify, they aren’t my handcuffs.”_

**_“Well who the hells are they?”_ **

_“….A police officers?”_

**_“What the fuck. He got arrested? Is this turning you on? Bad boys are hot, but what would your mother say?”_ **

_“Lily, focus! He and his friend set the kitchen on fire and the police think he did it on purpose because he has, and I quote, ‘a bit of a record.’ And then he said he saw an officer coming, and they had handcuffs, and now he’s not saying anything.”_

**_“Just a question, if things don’t work out between the two of you can I have him? He sounds perfect.”_ **

**_“_ ** _Lily….”_

**_“Alright, alright, don’t groan at me. What do you want from me?”_ **

_“Promise me I’m not making a mistake talking to him?”_

**_“I don’t think I can do that. Do you want me to come over? School doesn’t start till ten today,”_ **

_“Yeah, sure. Come over. I’ll make tea. And you can hold my phone so I don’t text him anything stupid out of worry. NOT that I’m worried about him.”_

**_“Haha, sure, whatever. See you soon, Remie.”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes, more of this author nonsense: comment and leave kudos with critiques or anything you want to see happen!
> 
> Oh, and the title is from a 2NE1 song in case you were wondering:) It's an awkward, clumsy sentence and I realized it might be confusing some of you!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!<3
> 
> Leave kudos is you liked it, or a comment if you want me to continue:D


End file.
